Night Shakes
by Latina Amante
Summary: My first Rentfic: MR in a way Roger steals Mark's video camera and... rants about Mark'sstupidness Review PLEEEEASE!


**Night Shakes**

_Written by: __Marina___

****

September 13. 9:22 am, Eastern Standard Time.

And I sound like goddamn Mark.

Crazy.

I don't know exactly what's wrong, but… I'm kinda frustrated with Mark, because… I don't know, it's like, the 'plan' (our collaboration, our idea that we've been heading towards since high school, Mark's video, my music) is all flipping and amusing and fun, but everything else is incredibly negative. I know "You're a Fool" isn't the most brilliant song, but I like it and I don't think it's "cheesy", just a clichéd rhyme. Where does he get off degrading things I've done anyway? It's not like Mark's been putting out brilliant work for the past five years. It's not like he's got a permanent contract anywhere or anything. 

I'm _still a little put off by that whole "Co-President" thing he's got going on with Benny, he's always got to be special, huh? Maybe I'm the same though…_

And now he's upset with me… and I'll be getting a letter any minute now and have to deal with the crappiness of my actions. _Not something I need._

He never really has time for _me anymore, you know? It's just like last year, when he was obsessed with working on me and Mimi's relationship… Seriously, I want him to sit down, calm down and joke around with me, act like my friend Mark… or something!!! I don't know. And… I don't want him to be constantly doing collaboration stuff, __especially during Mimi's shows and Maureen's performances and stuff, because then he'll never stop going and I know that, because if he's not constantly doing something, he's miserable and when he is constantly working, he's miserable too and… I don't know. I really don't, it's not just me trying to waste time…_

Shit shit shit! Look at me! I'm fucking crying! Thank God Mimi's got boxes on boxes of Kleenex here… fix myself up before anyone knows. I'm Roger Davis, a rock star, rock stars don't cry. I don't cry.

But anyway… the whole point of making a list of things to do was for… I don't know, for me, I guess. I'd rather I do it than have Mark always… It's complicated, but I guess it's just too emotional-based for me to be able to explain with words… Talking is overrated. And I don't feel like "faking it" right now. I guess I just want to be… quiet.

Definitely can't be around Maureen then… she's get all worried and yell-y and protest-y if I'm sitting there quiet. Maureen doesn't like…

I don't know.

That basically sums up everything.

~~~

11:05 am, Eastern Standard Time.

Back. I was trying to compose… they woulda left me alone then. 

I can't focus. It sounds crazy, just me fighting with Mark, but I can't focus on my guitar, my hand keeps shaking while I write my chords and I'm a mess. I can't just sit here, not when I haven't made things right. 

I know, I'm screwed up, Mark and I always fight, and it shouldn't affect me.

But I can't say anything either, there's no words. There's this increasing sick feeling growing in my stomach—I don't know what I'm scared of though. I can't write a lot today, I have to keep it simple.

Why am I so fucked up?

Mark's just a friend, we'll get over this, why…?

~~~

September 24, 2002. 11:36 am, Eastern Standard Time.

I don't know what it is, but something about the way he's treating me lately… It's not that I'm bad or wrong, but… I don't know, a little like he's more right or always knows better than me. It's always like "No Roger, it's actually more like this…" and… I don't know, it's grown to too much. 

Plus, it's probably not helpful Mimi does the same thing. Just because she's taking a college course doesn't mean she's that much smarter than me!

So yeah, there's gonna be snap-age. And maybe what I yelled at him for is a little ridiculous, buuuut… 

Anyway. What's there to say? Nothing that won't bring yelling and anger and denial. So there's no point. Especially when I'm not even sure what's going on, just feeling… wrongness, I guess.

~~~

September 26, 2002. 11:46 am, Eastern Standard Time.

Surprised Mark hasn't realized how often I steal this thing. Surprised how much it actually helps. 

He's out… talking to Benny about the whole… plan. As always. Mark goes out every morning and talks about the plan to Benny and leaves the camera and me at home. And Mimi's at church. 

She goes there a lot lately. She's stressed. Won't tell me what about. Maybe she's stressed, cuz I'm stressed. Which leads back to Mark. Because Mark makes _me stressed._

Why the fuck won't he talk me with him to meet with Benny? Benny's producing this! And I'm doing the music, I want to be involved! It always goes like this, you know? Me and Mark try to do something together and he does everything and doesn't need me because I'm stupid and incompetent. 

I'm not as stupid as everyone thinks!! I mean, they think I don't get it. They think I don't realize that Benny turns into a complete horn dog as soon as Mimi walks in the room. They think I don't notice the looks she always gives him, how she's upset about how things turned out with him. Mimi thinks I don't realize that her past hurts her, that she cries in her sleep, she thinks I don't spend hours every day trying to figure out how to make her alright again. She doesn't know that my goal in life—more than me and Mark's collaboration, more than the band, more than the record contract—is to make her happy with me. She thinks that I think everything is just perfect the way it is.

And they think I don't realize with Mark. They think I don't see him looking at me, they think I can't hear him talking to his camera about me, when I'm "deeply involved" in composing. I know how Mark feels, I know what he feels towards me. I know we're not "just friends". 

I'm not stupid.

But Mark doesn't know that he took too long. Mark doesn't know how I felt about him during… after April… Mark doesn't realize that my favourite time of day was nights during those months. Mark doesn't know I faked the night shakes for months after they stopped so he'd come into bed with me and hold me. Mark doesn't know that I didn't know that what I felt was what he felt. 

I have Mimi and I love her. Mark's gonna have to be happy with a friendship that's more than "just friends" and a love that's more than being in love.

And maybe one day, I'll start having night shakes again?

~*~*~*~

October 31, 10 pm. Eastern Standard Time.

Fuck. I should have known better than to watch an unlabelled tape. I always label my tapes. Dumbass Mark, letting your curiosity get the best of you. 

I can't ever let Roger know I watched this.

Just watch for the night shakes, Marky-Boy.

**_Author's Note: Alright... this is my first Rentfic. It's crap, huh? Well… uh… I'd like to know just how crap… and how I can improve? It'll make me feel better… Reviews would be nice. Then my next story will be less annoying!_**


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